TEN AFTER LAUGHTER
CK and LJ Joke Archive
 

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A farmer outside of Pittsburgh was working his cattle one day when he heard faint music coming from nearby.  After hunting about for a time, he discovered the sound was loudest near one particular calf, and was even louder near the calf's tail.  Putting his head close to the calf's hind end, he heard the Pitt fight song.

Amazed, he put the calf in the truck and drove the animal to a vet in Waynesburg.  When the vet asked him what was going on, the farmer told him.

The vet went around behind the calf and gave a listen.  He agreed he heard the Pitt fight song but didn't seem particularly excited.

"Man, this is unbelievable! How can you stand there and not be amazed?" the farmer asked.
 
The vet, a third generation West Virginia graduate, said, " I'm a Mountaineer and I've been listening to buttholes sing the Pitt fight song my whole life."
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into  the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor.   "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then  she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said.    "Your finger  is broken."
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A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.


"What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder."I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...today you voted."

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One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big  department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight for the rest of the year!

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Libby Jo and Coach are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Sunday morning; it's a bad one.  Both of their vehicles are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.  God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their vehicles, Libby Jo says to Coach, "Wow just look at our vehicles, there's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should patch up all our differences and be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, Coach replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

Libby Jo continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.  My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then Libby hands the bottle to Coach.  Coach nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to Libby Jo.  Libby Jo immediately takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to Coach. 

Coach asks, "Ain't you having any?" 

Libby Jo replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the Police . . . . . .  
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful woman who's waves at him and says "Hello."

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, " I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife. Then he says " My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I had wild sex with on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "um...No... I'm your son's math teacher!"

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While walking through the  woods, Coach Kidd came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity what the heck are you doing?"

“I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

Understandably curious Coach Kidd says, "Well, OK." He wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it.

With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet and car keys, stripped him naked, and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw Coach handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?"

Coach told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed Coach gently behind the ear, and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, Cupcake."
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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived....and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...
And squealed..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers... And then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb. But, all men.... Are men
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A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for an hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.


She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie. In fact, two. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I never danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"
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A cabbie picks up a nun. The nun gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver
won't stop staring. The Nun asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you
but I don't want to offend you." " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I  am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm  sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm  single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on
the road, the cab driver starts crying.  "My dear child," said the nun, why are you  crying?
 "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must  confess, I'm married and I'm not catholic"
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and  I'm going to a Halloween party."
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
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A little boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied. The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're hair is black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently.
They ring the doorbell and once again the man opens the door. "Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy. "Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're hair is still black and curly.

Heads hung low, they leave. A bit later the man hears the bell ring again.  This time when he opens the door, there stand the two children, but this time they are BUCK NAKED.  "Oh my! he exclaims. And just who are you supposed to be now?" he asks.

"We're Chocolate M&M's," said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's got nuts."
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There are 3 Ladies in a Hot Tub, one German, One Japanese, and one Hillbilly.  Suddenly there was a beeping sound.  The German lady pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped and the others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager, she said, I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."  A few minutes later, a phone rang, the Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear.  When she finished she explained, "That was my mobile phone".  I have a microchip in my hand.  The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech, and not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.  So she stepped out of the Hot tub and went to the bathroom.  When she returned she had a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind.  The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.  The hillbilly woman finally said, "well, will  you look at that, Im gettin a fax."
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job,and the ranch looks great. You should  go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.  "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.  Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."  He did as she asked, ever so slowly.  "Now take off my socks."  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."  He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."  Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said:  "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

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A plane passed through a severe storm. The  turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the  front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then  she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a  WOMAN?"
For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the  desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from West Virginia  stood up in the rear of the plane.
He was handsome, tall, well  built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.
Slowly, he started to walk  up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No  one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She  gasped...
Then, he spoke...
"Iron this -- and then get me a  beer."
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A Georgia state Trooper pulled over a car on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the shrine circus and didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the trooper he sent all of his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him he had some flares in the back of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them/ The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got out three flares, lit them, and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk, good old boy from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The Trooper observed him doing this, went over to the patrol car and asked the drunk what his was doing.
The drunk replied, "you might as while take my a## to jail, because there is no way  I can pass that test!!!"
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A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business! The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised,  the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"

 The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back." Feeling pretty good about  himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice,  "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite.

He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.

He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ..... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a country breakfast with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."You just happened to catch my eye."

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The owner of a golf course in West Virginia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
 
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from Michigan University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
 
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

April Runion
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone.
He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"
Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."
"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

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Why do little boys whine? 

Because they are practicing to be men!
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People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared
at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for
the front  entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the
fact that God's  ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for
all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you
afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years.
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A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
 He shot and dropped a duck, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
 As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
 The litigater responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
 The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
 The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
 The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Texas.  We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
 The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
 The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurred on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
 The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.  He agreed to abide by the local custom.
 The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.  His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.  His second kick to the midriff then made the lawyer loose his early morning breakfast.  The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
 The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.  Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, Now it's my turn."
 

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up.  You can have the duck."

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A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers he had no choice but to phone the employee's home number. He was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello? Is your daddy home?" He asked
"Yes" whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
"No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked "Is your mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked
"Is there anybody else there?"
"Yes" Whispered the child "A policeman!"
Wondering what a cop could be doing at his employee's house, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy."
"Doing what?"
"Talking to mommy and daddy and the fireman"  came the still quite voice.
Growing more worried as he head what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked "What is that noise?"
Again, whispering, the child answered "The search team just landed."
"What are they looking for?
"Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

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Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the pastor of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy
enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did! All the while, checking his progress in the car frequently, he then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he
moved a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went "boing!" and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This
woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this ," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

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Four married guys go fishing. After an  hour, the following conversation took place:  
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able  to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will  paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my  wife that I will build her a new deck for the  pool."
Third  guy: "Man, you  both have it easy! I had to promise my wife That I will remodel the  kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not  said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the  deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" and she said, "Wear  sun-block."

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Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.  The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims. "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton."
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers... "It's pronounced 'quiche'."

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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving. He sees a man walking on the road talking to each of the drivers. He approaches and the driver rolls down the window and asks "What happened?" "Terrorists have kidnapped George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and Carl Rove. They are asking for $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. I'm going car to car taking up a collection." The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?"
"About a gallon!"